I was in Detroit the last few days and all anyone can talk about is how Chris Chelios has retired and joined the front office.  At the age of 48, he clearly got to that point in his career where he just didn't have to the legs to compete.  Plus, retiring will no doubt expedite the Thrashers retiring his number to the rafters of Philips Arena.  In the meantime, here's my prophetic statement on the matter.

Note: I WROTE THIS TWO YEARS AGO.

And now, a personal story from the life of Hex.

One week ago yesterday, our family had a little addition.  Of course, the original expected date was last Tuesday, but waiting an extra 24 hours for something that would bring such joy into the world – it was grueling, but ultimately worth it.  I’m telling you, if you could see the proud smile on my face when we got home for the first time.  Sure, you can anticipate sleeping a lot less, and your eating schedule will become far from regular- but ultimately, much is sacrificed when you bring NHL 09 into your home-

What’s that?  Oh, a baby?  Due the same week EA Sports releases their latest Game of the Year?  You’ve got to plan your pregnancies a little better than that, friendo.

After the jump, a crushing revelation for the oldest blueliner on the Detroit Red Wings.

In an effort to gain a bit more fame and notoriety, as well as supplement their offseason income by $1500, the Blue Jackets' Marc Methot and Fedor Tyutin made a compilation DVD of sexual encounters with puck bunnies. It was very professionally produced. Including a commentary track. While MYFO was unwilling to pony up the cash for the actual video, we did give the boys $5.95 for a transcript of that commentary track. Portions of it are reproduced below.

Marc: Oh, man, where was this one? Chicago?
Fedor: Nyet, nyet. Dallas! Remember the hair?
Marc: Yeah, that girl could tease more than a cock! And look at her go, tossing your salad like a champ!
Fedor: Salad? I don't think so. Cucumber not come out until much later.

Because I was on vacation, I couldn't get Steve Ott's advice out to you in the timely fashion to which you have no doubt become accustomed from this blog. Sorry about that. But better late than never, right? (coughNSFWednesdaycough)

Greetings once again. It is my distinct pleasure to be speaking with you once more, on a topic that is important to all of us: sexual etiquette. Observance of proper etiquette in intimate situations will elevate your sexual experience from a mad, frenzied groping which leaves you feeling vaguely guilty as you creep out the door at 5 a.m., to a potentially rich and rewarding relationship-building exercise which may, in certain cases, involve breakfast being made for you.

The first step, of course, is initiating the encounter. While some, cruder individuals employ techniques such as coming up behind a woman on the dance floor and grinding your sweaty and turgid nether regions into her posterior as a sort of atavistic invitation, a gentleman prefers slightly more formality. Such as asking, "May I have this dance?" And then, and only then, proceeding to the turgid grinding.

(a conversation that took place this morning over breakfast)

Stan Kroenke:  Hey son?

Josh Kroenke: Yeah, Dad?

Stan: Would you like a raise to your allowance?

Josh:  Sure would, Dad!  What do I have to do?

Stan:  Pass the syrup.

Josh:  That's it?  Hell, I would have done that for free.  What do I get in return?

Stan:  Two professional sports franchises.

Josh: /jaw drop

Dear Switzerland,

We here at MYFO have always held you and your people with the highest esteem.  We share your belief that one's institution must remain firmly married to the core values on which it was erected.  In our case, said values are dick jokes and Ice Girls.  (erected, amirite?)  In your case, it has been a steadfast commitment which under no circumstance should you ever state a preference.  For anything.

Your neutrality has been a key element of world history in the 20th century.  Wars, political strife, Team Edward vs. Team Jacob - these things have come and gone without even a hint of favortism on your part.  So it comes as a great shock to us to find our that after decades and decades of apathy-guised-as-neutrality, you decided to raise your hand and wave your flag of allegience.

WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU HELPING THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS?

Salutations! Welcome back. Last week, I discussed the proper etiquette in some common dating situations. I imagine many of you found this very helpful. Many of you reading this may either be parents, or possibly teenagers, or just overgrown manchildren. As a result, today's lesson will be devoted to some common etiquette that every child should learn.

Item 1: The polite knock. Kids, if the door is closed, you should knock gently and await permission before bursting in to tattle on your sister. If no one answers, and you hear weird sounds, or your mother moaning words that sound strange and make you feel vaguely embarassed, go away quietly and come back again in half an hour. If you think about just opening the door anyway, let me give you this warning: there are some things you cannot unsee, and the sight of your mom wearing a dog collar is one of them.

As always, your topical suggestions and/or actual questions for Ask Joe can be submitted to MeltYourFaceOff@gmail.com.

In the words of one of my personal heroes, Jim Anchower, it's been awhile since I rapped at ya. It's been a busy summer, recharging my batteries for another President's Cup run. But I'm back, to dispense my usual invaluable advice.

From a question originally asked to the perhaps-defunct Dear Margo:

Dear Joe: My best friend since elementary school is married to a man I have never liked (I'll call him Phil). I pleaded with her not to marry him, but she did. I agreed to be her maid of honor because I wanted to be a supportive friend. Fast-forward 27 years. Her marriage is, to put it bluntly, a complete disaster. She talks constantly about leaving Phil but won't actually do it. Phil hasn't worked in four years, even though they are strapped financially. For seven years CJ has been having an affair with a married co-worker. CJ also started using me as a "cover" for meetings with her male friend. That was the limit for me. I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be a party to this mess. I have not heard from her since. Did I cross the line? Am I a bad friend?--Candice

Look, we all know the 80s are hot again. It seems like all the misbegotten, cheesy TV shows of that era have received an updating and rebooting with a young, sexy cast--The A-Team, The Dukes of Hazzard, Knight Rider, Battlestar Galactica. You name it from the 80s, it's been resurrected.

Except, perhaps, for the greatest 80s TV show of them all. And after seeing the above photo, I can think of no one better to star in "Magnum, P.I.--The Pubescent Years" than Patrick Kane. He just needs a Tigers hat.

Call me, Hollywood! After the jump, my ideas for the rest of the cast, and a new setting.

People know me, if they know me at all, as a bit of a boor. A lout. A foulmouthed, rude, ill-bred and disreputable character. But that's not me; that's just my day job. Off the ice, I am a stickler for propriety, civilized discussions, and manners. When I go out to a restaurant, or visit a friend's home for a dinner engagement, it is always extremely frustrating to me to witness the point to which people's behavior has deviated so far from the civilized.

And now, I am going to do something about it. On Fridays here at MYFO, I will be educating all of you on the finer points of what it means to be a civilized human being. I am not just talking about using pickle forks--although I will be talking about using pickle forks--I'm talking about the whole ball of wax. Dining. Grooming. Social interaction.

Today, we will start out slowly, with a list of a few common social faux pas that you should avoid: