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The International Ice Hockey Federation (IIHF), as a final item of paperwork prior to the Vancouver Games, released their Pre-Olympic Men's National Team Rankings. For most, it's a good source to separate contender from pretender over the next two weeks. Of the squads primed for Olympic play, only Germany sits outside the top 12 at lucky 13. (Denmark occupies #12.) But contrary to popular belief, there are more than a mere 13 countries in the world that choose to field national teams. In fact, there's nearly four times as many.
We all focus on the Russias and North Americans and Scandinavians up top, but the IIHF takes the time to recognize the merits (or lack thereof) of teams that will be far, far away from British Columbia next week. Teams from countries you'd be completely surprised had teams. Teams...that I, Hextall454, wonder if for which I could suit up.
I have no delusions that I could line up alongside Alex Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, or hell, Ruslan Salei, and expect to compete on an international stage. But what's stopping me from taking a shift on the worst teams in the world? We investigate just that...after the jump.
First, a little background on this humble blogger.
My experience is pretty much limited to all the hockey I played from the years 1995-2002. In high school, I played competitive pick-up in a Friday night men's league, supplemented by bi-weekly marathon games of street hockey (on rollerblades). I played three other sports in high school, which provided me the endurance to keep up with the game. In college, I dominated street hockey (no rollerblades) solely because I went to school in Virginia and I was from the north. I'm 6'4" with strong skating skills, a right-handed shot, and a stay-at-home defenseman mentality (mainly because I'm too lazy to join an odd-man rush.) I'm your classic men's league weekend warrior.
And I think I can play international puck.
Starting with the worst team in IIHF and working upwards, let's figure out just where I stand on the international depth chart.
48. ARMENIA
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the worst team in the world - Armenia.
For those unfamiliar with the tiny landlocked nation to the east of Turkey, it's about the size of Maryland with the sparse population of Mississippi. Furthermore, 53% of all Armenians are girls and another 14% are either kids or old people. That leaves me with only a third of the national population with which to contend for a roster spot. Furthermore, Armenia is classified below the international poverty line with daily wage earnings less than $1.25 a day. Do you have any idea how expensive hockey equipment is? Advantage: Hextall.
If that weren't enough, the Armenian roster is listed on Wikipedia. Next to Levon Khatchatryan (#21) in parenthesis is the following designation" (R.I.P.) That's right people, Armenia is so starved for the talent they suit up a DEAD GUY. I can't state this clearly enough; the Armenians have a deceased player on their depth chart. You better believe my parking lot roller hockey days make more than qualified to take that guy's spot. If they had me, maybe they wouldn't have lost 48-0 to freaking Mexico.
Conclusion: I can play for Team Armenia!
47. BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA
And the competition heats up.
The bad news for me is that B-H actually has a "top league" which gives crucial ice time to the country's most hopeful future Olympians. The good news is that said league varies in size each year due to a lack of players and/or finances. The 2009-2010 campaign only features three teams and they all have the same home arena in Sarajevo. There was a second rink in Skenderija, but apparently it fell into disrepair and could not be used. I am not making this up.
While I don't understand the IIHF's points system, I do believe I can misconstrue it for my own personal needs. In the most recent report, the Russians were first with 2925 while B-H only netted 150. That's not even 1/20th of their once-Communist overlords. So there's an easy way to make my case for a sharp-looking Eastern European sweater. The worst player on Team Russia, I believe, is former Pittsburgh Penguin Aleksey Morozov. Now I don't claim to be half the player Morozov is, but I do claim that I'm at least 1/20th the player. (I can skate backwards! And fall down to block a shot!) And if that's indeed the Bosnian-Herzegovinan equivalent ratio, well then, it's settled.
Conclusion: I can play for Team Bosnia-Herzegovina!
46. GREECE
Now things get a little tougher.
Ice hockey in Greece apparently started in 1984 when a bunch of athletes returned home and decided that there was more to life than being swarthy and staring at ruins. Having been born in 1979, that gives me a 5-year head start. But the Greeks fell on hard times in the early nineties when they lost federal funding and were forced to travel to other nations to practice. In 2003, they closed the last ice rink in Greece.
Nevertheless, the team still exists to bring glory to their proud race. One such example of the glorybringing occurred at the 2009 World Championships when they lost to Turkey 7-1. And to me, a Turkish hockey team sounds like it should be walking into a bar with a priest and a rabbi.
Conclusion: I can play for Team Greece!
45. MONGOLIA
Alright boys, we've got this. On 3. 1...2...3...
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.
Conclusion: I can play for Team Mongolia!
44. IRELAND
And this may be where this little exercise draws to a close.
First off, that's an excellent team crest. I don't feel worthy of donning such an emblem. You wouldn't cross check a guy wearing a harp, would you?
They've also defeated some of the teams I've already claimed superiority over convincingly. At the '05 World Championships, they beat Armenia 23-1, and there's a good chance that back then Levon Khatchatryan wasn't even dead yet.
And finally, my greatest asset as a blueliner is that I'm a big Irishman who can throw the body. Ireland is full of people JUST LIKE ME. Crap.
Conclusion: I cannot play for Team Ireland.
Final Conclusion: It looks like it's time to head out to the Far East and join my Mongolian teammates pictured above. Defenseman Baasandavaa Choijiljav is 46-years old and I need more ice time. Put me in, Coach.
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