While we search for a permanent replacement for Al MacInnis, and the lawyers negotiate the terms of his release, a series of guest hosts will appear in this space. This week: Joe Thornton returns to dole out advice as only he can.

Damn, my mailbox has really piled up. I guess it's been awhile. I'm gearing up for the Olympics, which makes me feel even more patriotic and manly than usual. It's too damn bad that almost all of this week's questions come from a bunch of losers and sissies.

From a question originally posed to the Washinton Post's Carolyn Hax:

Dear Joe:

My wife is afraid of everything . . . flying, confined places, someone breaking into our house and many other things. I used to think it was kind of cute, but with children now, I worry that she is overprotective and not allowing them to grow. They can't do many of the things (ride bikes, walk to friends' houses or play basketball on a quiet street with cones set up as roadblocks) that the other kids in the neighborhood do. I don't think we can live in fear of minuscule risks, but I get nowhere when broaching this with her. I am mostly concerned about my oldest, 11 (the youngest is 7). Any thoughts?

Oh, man, buddy. I've got bad news for you. Your kids are already pussies. Now I've got worse news: you're a pussy, too. You failed at your primary job as a dude: being the fucking Rock of Ages for your lady. When she said, "I'm afraid someone is going to break into the house," your response should have been "THEN I WILL BEAT HIS ASS TO DEATH WITH MY BARE FUCKING HANDS AND EAT HIS LIVER WITH SOME EGGS FOR MY BREAKFAST." That's the kind of shit that reassures ladies, so they know that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Now, it may be too late. You've got to go to your fraidylady and lay it on the line: "We have to de-pussify the kids, so that they will not grow up to be quivering piles of goo, and instead will grow up to be normal, well-adjusted adults." Then sign 'em up for hockey.

From a question posed to Slate's Dear Prudence:

Dear Joe:

I'm a happily married man in my 20s with a gorgeous wife, whom I adore. We live in a big city in an apartment building. In order to let in light, we keep the curtains open in our bedroom (sans naughty time). I've recently noticed that the female who lives in the apartment directly across from ours and the female in the apartment one floor below also leave their curtains open as they walk around half-naked. I'm not sidling up to the window for hours upon end, but on occasion I catch a glimpse of skin, and I'll admit that I don't turn away. I don't know whether my wife has noticed the neighbors, but I haven't told her that I have. I feel as if I'm hiding a secret from her and even committing a form of adultery by not walking away when I see them. Should I tell my wife so we can make a decision about what to do together (and hope she doesn't divorce me)? Or should I unilaterally reach out to the neighbors, telling them that my whole building has probably been getting a show for several months and they should be more aware of their actions?

Um, dude. You're a pussy, too. There are really only two options here, if you have a sack. Option A, which I call the half-pussy, is to shut the fuck up and jerk off to the naked neighbors. Option 2, you tell your wife, you watch together, and then invite the neighbor over for a threesome. YEEAARGH!

From a question asked of the well-meaning simpletons at Annie's Mailbox:

Dear Joe:

My wife and I were high-school sweethearts. We have been together for 13 years and married for seven. I am 29 and she is 28. Like every couple, we have had our ups and downs, but nothing that couldn't be resolved, until this year. We used to be so spontaneous, but now our sexual relationship is over. She doesn't want to touch, kiss, hold hands, nothing. She says she still loves me, but can't give me what I want as far as affection or sex and I need to find it somewhere else. She has asked for a separation so we both can clear our heads. I can't figure out what's going on. She tells me there is no affair, and I believe and trust her. I love my wife with all my heart. She is so beautiful and sexy. How could she lose the desire to be passionate? I have tried to figure things out, but it seems I only make it worse and push her farther away.

Holy shit are you a pussy. And a walking mistake factory. High school sweetheart? That makes for a nice sappy story, but lousy fucking. You want hot sex, you want a lady who's got some miles on her. Your wife's only guide to sexytime is you, and from the tone of your letter I can tell you're not exactly a dynamo. Holding hands? Dude, you're doing it wrong. You need a woman who has been WORN THE FUCK OUT a few times by real studs. That way, she'll have learned what really gets her off, and she can teach you how to do it. Don't let anyone tell you that learning isn't fun! Meanwhile, your wife has handed you a giant fucking gift that you are too limp-dicked to appreciate: YOU CAN NOW GO OUT AND FIND ONE OF THESE SEX TEACHERS GUILT-FREE. Do the separation for six months, learn how to fuck like a man, instead of a teenage boy, which is what you are from an experience point of view.

Then tell your wife you want to give it one more try, and use your newfound skills to fuck her into a puddle of multiorgasmic goo. And then you file for divorce, and start making up for the lost time you wasted on a girl who has high-school level fucking skills, and hook up with random hot babes until it falls off.

From a query posed to the sage Dr. Donohue:

Dear Joe:

I am a 65-year-old, retired male. I am in decent health and go to a gym a couple of times a week. I am a heavy drinker. Last night I had 7 ounces of Scotch and 16 ounces of wine. That's less than I used to drink in my younger days. I do not get drunk, but I can feel the effect. No doctor ever told me I must cut down, but they have recommended it. My family doctor monitors my liver frequently, and it is fine. I don't need to be scolded, but do you think my liver will inevitably collapse? I am sure you qualify me as an alcoholic, and you are probably right. I enjoy my cocktail time and would miss it. I appreciate any comments you care to make.

The rest of you pussies need to go spend a weekend with this guy. He's 65, and five times the men you are. No doubt, he fucks like a stallion. Old man, you are not an alcoholic--you are my fucking hero.

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