Crime and Punishment: Part IV

Due to consuming an entire bottle of wine, Raskolnikov’s loose fingers “accidentally” sent an email to Deadspin czar Will Leitch, informing the great leader of Melt Your Face-Off’s existence. However, this action was done without the knowledge or approval of any of the other writers. We were unprepared for the resulting traffic and were caught with our pants down.

The cause of this embarrassing situation, Raskolnikov, is a crazy rogue who must be taught a lesson. Therefore, we have sent him on a series of hockey “vacations” that will teach him to respect the authority of the one in charge.These trips, while not Siberia, will test his physical and mental resilience. Will he make it through his spiritual journey to rehabilitation?

Final trip: the asylum.

Setting: A white, padded room in MYFO’s insane asylum. Seven of the members lean against the pillowy walls, most of them visibly annoyed. Two figures face each other in the middle of the room. Sir Hotbod Handsomeface crouches, while Raskolnikov, sporting a strait jacket and a Cheshire grin, sits, legs extended straight out, torso completely vertical, forming a right angle.

Sir H of H: Raskolnikov, we’re not letting you out of those restraints until you stop hurting yourself.

Raskolnikov: *fiddles with suit*

Weed vs. Speed: Why didn’t you get the Boogaard autograph?

Sir H of H: WEED! Why would Boogaard be at NHL Headquarters?

WvsS: Hey, if it weren’t for that marker, he wouldn’t have made it 1 minute in that place.

Rask: Keith Jones is the greatest hockey analyst ever.

Sir H of H: You’re not helping yourself.

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price: *yawns* I need donuts.

Rask: *Jerks head violently at RDfaRP* KOHARSKI!!!

Sir H of H: Yes, Rask! Concentrate on something else! What’s the most beautiful play in hockey?

Rask: Dump-and-chase. Chase-and-dump. Dump-and-dump. Chase the dump. Dump the chase.

Sir H of H: Guh …who’s the greatest Finn in the history of hockey?

Rask: Alpo Suhonen is my lord and savior.

Baba Ojé: Jesus, this isn’t working. Why do we even need this guy? We’ve got a giant list of potential bloggers. Who cares about the Blackhawks anyway?

Kid Canada: To be fair, the Maple Leafs aren’t that hot. And this is kind of funny, the way he beats himself up.

laerm: It’s like Fight Club without Marla. That’s kind of like the NHL, no?

Baba: So we’re going follow around this nutcase?

Hextall454: He did stick up for Lenoceur.

Lenoceur: And because of that, Gary Bettman will never appear on this blog!

Hextall: You think that he would’ve asked us for an interview? He probably hates all technology because of Jim Balsaille!

Lenoceur: You wanna fight, Hextall?

Sir H of H: SHUT UP! We’re here because Rask needs our help! He wanted to help MYFO grow, so he sent a post to Deadspin. He was just naïve about how much attention Deadspin would bring to our site. That’s all.

Rask: Thank you. *Removes strait jacket easily* I’ll see you hosers around.*Walks out of room*

All are silent for 5 minutes.

RDfaRP: I still need donuts.